Paper Thorns

1.The use of willpower to overcome physical problems

I don't know what has gotten into my lately, perhaps it's due to unstable hormone levels but I've just been so on the edge. I'm talking major moodswings, crying, feelings of detachment and loathe. It's overpowering my mental ability to focus on tasks and stay motivated. I know, I know, girl's have that one time in their month where their world comes crashing down and everything feels 1000x worse than it actually is, but I swear it isn't that. I've been experiencing legit chunks of days in the past month where the world seems to stop and I feel so alone and sad and plain negative no matter what activity or people I'm with. I mean, it's to a point where I've decided to record my feelings onto a blog I created years ago, in hope it will help me cope with the daily fight with life.

I would be lying if I said that everything has been great and these feelings aren't rational, because to be honest, there has been quite a lot going on. I hope to be consistent with recording these thoughts and feelings on here, so I can release them from my brain and hopefully live happier with fewer problems and worries.

The first thing that comes to my mind is appreciation.
I feel like the people around me don't appreciate me or the things I do for them. By me, I mean my quirks, my personality, my attitude, my physical self even (?). I can't even think of an example, because I can't remember a time I feel like someone has really looked into my eyes and sincerely told me things like, I love how you get so excited when you see a dog, or said, you are so thoughtful and kind, or you are truly beautiful. I mean, customary praises from customers or sales assistants don't count..they call everyone beautiful..it's formality and manners. Perhaps it's my fault, maybe being excited over every dog isn't a good thing, or I am not thoughtful and kind enough to be praised for it so sincerely or beautiful enough.

I just want someone to see me for the good that I am, acknowledge it and reassure me that the positive things that I think I am is true. Oh I just had a thought, Nina did comment on how sexy my legs look in heels and a dress, which I thought was sincere..because I thought they were too and she looked into my eyes. Before I get side tracked, I think I just want to be acknowledged by the people closest to me...like my father, mother, sister, boyfriend and best friends.

Everyone wants to think they're a good person, but I am by no means claiming I'm perfect. I have flaws just like everyone, but I also work hard on improving the better parts of me. Like being thoughtful and considerate. You see, I live in this awful cycle where I clean and tidy the house to the best of my ability and level of motivation, while everyone else messes it up and I have to clean up after them. The reason I do this is because I don't want to live in a bomb shelter and mess makes me stressed and stress makes me irritated.

I don't just do this for me, because if I did, I would just focus on my room. But I don't, because everyone will enjoy the pleasantness of a clean house. The thing that disappoints me is that not only do they clean up after themselves and return the area they messsed up or used to the original state they found it in, they do not acknowledge or thank me for my effort. Now, I don't expect a standing ovation or even a pat of a back, just a "aw you cleaned the house! great job!" will do. I don't even dare to demand for it to be directed at me, it just has to at least be positive.

Instead, I get shit like "You cleaned the house? Why didn't do this area?" , "Oh there's nothing on the table anymore, it looks so empty", "Why didn't you do *insert chore* as well?".
The level of satisfaction is so high, they themselves can't even reach it. Is it that hard to say a thank you? It makes me want to cry, because I worked hard and I don't have be their bitch and clean up after them, but I did. I put in so much effort, but it still isn't enough and even worse, it's not GOOD enough. I feel like a stupid little dog running around trying to seek it's owner's attention by constantly following them and licking them and then getting kicked in the face for being annoying. It isn't good for my self-esteem, because it just reinforces the idea that I am not good enough, even at my best effort, I will never be good enough. And the fact that they don't try to maintain the level of cleanliness I have provided them implies that my effort was not significant enough for them to be bothered to try maintain it.

That kinda weaved into people not appreciating the things I do for them, but it's not just my family. My boyfriend, my friends, it's like they don't ever sit down and reflect on the day. I mean, what do other people do in the shower? Switch off their brain?

I've done so much for my friends, the time and effort and hard earned money I've splurged to make sure they feel loved and appreciated. Yet...sigh.

I'm just so done with being nice and thoughtful.

I have tried over and over again, telling myself each time it will be different, they will realise this time etc. But it always ends up the same, I end up in bed crying because I feel so useless and helpless and unappreciated. I feel like a loser. Like no one likes me or loves me.

You know that Maslow's needs hierarchy? I'm stuck at level 3, the need for interaction and affection with and from others. Because this isn't fully fulfilled, my self-esteem and confidence is lacking.

The good thing out of this though, is that it makes me think more deeply about other people's actions, those that I haven't developed the crave of appreciation and kindness from. It makes me more sensitive to their actions and the potential thoughts that may have gone into it, for them to perform such acts. It makes me realise the goodness in them by just seeing their actions.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I've been trying to use the willpower to get over all these feelings of under-appreciation with positives vibes to keep myself motivated, but it's dying out. And before it does, I need to use what's left to put my thoughts into words and solve it out. FYI, cleaning the house is not the biggest problem. It's just an example.

I'm so tired now, I'm going to postpone this train of thought until next time. My brain can't think rationally when it's tired.

Everyone should just say thank you and sorry all the time.